Kids Life Hacks

Peer Support Group for Women Who Love Combat Veterans Acts 20:28 MSG “Now it’s up to you. Be on your toes— both for yourselves and your congregation of sheep. The Holy Spirit has put you in charge of these people— God’s people they are— to guard and protect them. God Himself thought they were worth dying for.” I am a child of God, wife to a combat veteran (Hooah), and mother of three. I have been called by God to speak life into women who are facing the weighty trials of being a keeper of a war/combat veteran. It is my mission to help equip wives, daughters, and mothers to fulfill the great responsibility of supporting, encouraging, and grounding our veteran in every possible way. I desire to see women who have a combat veteran in their lives become beacons of hope during the dark and tormented moments their veteran will face, as well as establish a safe refuge for their loved one. I believe that wives, daughters, and mothers can be instrumental in helping their combat veterans understand they are valuable and encouraging them to be vulnerable in life again. My heart for this group is that it will be a safe place for women to come together and share their experiences loving and caring for a combat veteran in confidence. I want to cultivate an environment where as peers, we can learn from one another, encourage each other, and gain insight on how to better help our combat veteran. I feel that if we have a place where we know we are not alone and where we can find support for our unique set of circumstances, we will be stronger and more resilient in this journey. Our men need us, and they ARE worthy! ~Shannon Jeffries shamariejeffries@gmail.com www.facebook.com/groups/keepersofwarriors/

We live in unprecedented times, uncharted territory. This is a road that neither we, nor our parents, have walked before. If you’re like me, you care about how this will affect your children or how will they remember this season of their lives. In my ponderings, I have come to a couple of conclusions. The first is, pandemics can have purpose, if you allow them to. As of today, it has been roughly 2 months that we have been in this “quarantine” mode. This can be both good and bad. Maybe you started out with a bang… cooking, playing games, and building blanket forts, but now the grind is starting to get to you. You are finding it hard to keep from blowing your top. Every little thing is driving you crazy, am I hitting a nerve?? We need to remember that it’s not how we start but how we finish that makes the difference and leaves the biggest impression. Maybe you are starting to get frazzled, but don’t lose all hope. Relax ☺ Remember that you are not there to always entertain your little offspring, but to train them. Let yourself off the hook. In our over-obsessed, social-media-driven society we have this overwhelming compulsion to meet some outrageous standard. No, you are you and you are exactly what your child needs. This is a great opportunity to teach them that same lesson without the pressure of school, friends, and extra-curricular activities. This quarantine gives us the focused and unpressured time to teach them what’s important. Second, kids remember what you document the most. I recently went through a couple of scrapbooks with my kids who are now 23, 17 and 14 and you know what? They think they really can remember some of those things. I know they can’t possibly remember those events when they were 1 and 2 years old, but they think they can. You see, they remember what I have put in the book. The same will be true for your little ones as well. We live in the era of the smart phone which make picture taking as natural as breathing. So, document good things during this trying time. Make sure you take silly pictures and funny videos to help lighten up the stress that this pandemic can cause. Parenting can seem daunting and overwhelming at times but it doesn’t have to be. It’s how we choose to use the circumstances life throws our way to help teach our children what’s important. Help them learn to laugh and to enjoy this crazy time. Don’t let the stress of this pandemic get you down. The beauty of time is, it keeps marching forward. Let’s purpose to march forward with good memories, starting today.

This November 24th will mark the 24th anniversary of motherhood for me. Wow, 24 years! Sometimes I wonder how that’s possible. When I look at my grown daughter, I still see the little girl in pigtails. But, alas, she is all grown up and living on her own. This has caused me to wonder if I did a good enough job. Motherhood is the job with no yearly performance evaluation, no raises for high performance, and no commission bonuses. What’s a girl to do?? How do I know if I have succeeded? I am one of those over-achiever types, but this is one area of my life where that trait doesn’t seem to help. I had no experience when I had my first child. I had only babysat once! I decided then and there that it was not for me. But like most things in life, there are those times when you just dive in and learn to swim. That has been my journey with motherhood. My first panic attack happened when they were discharging me from the hospital with this newborn baby. I told the nurse I couldn’t take care of this baby without supervision. She just laughed and told me that my motherly instincts would kick in. Kick in?? When?? So, my husband drove us home that afternoon and I thought to myself, “How am I going to do this? Are we going to make it?” I was an uptight, over-protective, and highly disciplined new mom. I am sure there was a book about how to relax and enjoy the time, but I never received it. So, I pushed forward with what I thought was best. Isn’t that all we can do? The wise King Solomon wrote in the book of Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.“ Well, I read that and was determined to begin training! I admit I was probably too harsh and militant, but I thought training needed to be that way. It wasn’t until I matured and had another child that I learned it doesn’t have to be so hard. Still, I had this lingering question in my heart...will she turn out ok? Well, it turns out she is ok. 🙂 This past Mother’s Day she sent me the most beautiful text message: “Happy Mother’s Day Mama, I love you so much. There’s literally no other mother that I could have had that would have been better. You have made me into the woman I am and I couldn’t be more blessed to have you as my support and backup. When I was a teenager I never understood what an amazing woman you were and I didn’t get to appreciate the time we spent together. Now I wish I could go back in time just to be a girl with you again. Being an adult is lame and I miss you a lot and I can’t wait to come visit you.” I share that, not to brag, but to say even with lots of mistakes, God is faithful. I still have two kids to go, but I have learned this very valuable lesson: Trust in God who gave these children to me. I hope you will learn to trust Him as well. Happy Mother’s Day!

Don’t you just love a new year? There is something about starting new that is always so refreshing. It causes me to dream and make plans. At the same time, it allows me to reflect and contemplate the season and the months ahead. Seasons are a funny thing; you never know what they will bring, especially in Florida. Although it’s currently considered winter, the temperature outside today is 76 degrees. When I think about the unseasonably warm weather during this time, I also wonder what lies ahead in the upcoming seasons of my life. Each aspect of our life holds true to seasons, just like nature has 4 seasons: spring, summer, fall and winter. Have you ever looked at your life through the lens of seasons? How about seasons with your kids and the road of parenting ahead? Think about it: a new baby in the home brings new life to the surroundings, just like spring. An elementary age child is full of adventure just like summer is meant to be. Teenagers are definitely the autumn of parenting, tiring, yet beautiful with their changing colors. Do you see where I’m going with this? There is a verse in the Bible that I always remember when I think of seasons. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.” This was written by Solomon, considered the wisest person who has ever lived. In this verse, he tells us that every season has a purpose. When I look at the seasons of parenting I am reminded that each season is very purposeful. Seasons are critical to raising children to becoming responsible adults. It is when we try to skip a season or rush through a season that our children can be robbed of critical skills needed for life. But let me be honest and say, when we rush these seasons we rob ourselves of the God-given privilege and timeline that He has purposefully set forth for each of us as well as for them. Each season prepares us for the next season. Let me give you an example. When I had my first child I couldn’t wait for her to walk and talk and do all the things my friends’ kids were doing. You know what I mean…you get so excited and tend to rush things along. I had expectations and aspirations for this child that were a little over the top. I side-stepped a few critical seasons because I was in a hurry. But parenting has a way of tempering you, so by the time I had my third child I was ready to slow down and enjoy every season for as long as I could. Now not every season is fun…the terrible twos that turn into the tantrum threes seem to last much longer than three years and the middle school years can seem like decades. Yet, these seasons are there to allow you to train, teach and prepare your child for what comes in the next season. Here is both the irony and the beauty of seasons: they don’t last. One season gradually moves into the next. Before you know it, you are in the fall/winter of parenting and you wonder how it got here so fast! As you begin this new year, sit back and think about the seasons you are in with your kids. Look for the purpose tied to this season and then relish every moment…because before you know it, the snow will be falling.

I remember sitting in my son's room anxiously awaiting his arrival. Those last few days seemed like they came to an eternal freeze. I would go into his room to sit and think. Rocking in his chair I thought, “I wonder what being a father will look like.” Now almost 13 years later I can tell you that it has been nothing like what I envisioned but so much more. My father passed away when I was 2 years of age. So my childhood did not consist of an example of what I thought fatherhood should be. All I had was outside observations from my friends' dads and what I saw on television. So when the time came for me to be a father I figured it would be a blend of Heathcliff Huxtable (Cosby) and Allen Matthews (Boy Meets World). Wow was I wrong? Now 6 kids ranging from adulthood (adoption) through 1 year of age I can honestly say these are four things every father should do right now. 1. Let go of false illusions of fathering. The truth is Allen Matthews and Dr. Huxtable are illusions. Fathering does have those moments but the reality is far messier. Our example, our Heavenly Father who deals with our messes and imperfections. Just like He is committed to finish the race, so should we. Fathering is a marathon, not a sprint. Every situation is not going to be resolved in 30 minutes with commercials. It is going to take time, patience, and a willingness to stick it out. There are going to be times where it is hard and the struggle intense. When those moments arise remember your ideas were derived from fantasy and the real fathers are committed. 2. Love their mother. Nothing you could do would be better than loving their mother. If you are still with their mother let your children see affection. Demonstrate it often and consistently. We teach what we know but we duplicate who we are. If we want our children to respect mom we have to demonstrate it. If not together honor her. Don’t put her down. You may be angry and even possibly justified but she is still their mother. Your words initially hurt but eventually build resentment towards either you or her. Love their mother for their sake if not together. 3. Be humble enough to demonstrate your brokenness. You are going to fail at times. Apologize to your children. Let them see your humanity demonstrated. They need to know that it is ok to get it wrong, but also how to appropriately deal with failure. One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn was this one. Stubbornness and unwillingness to let my children see my mistakes helped breed an ideology that if they messed up it had to be someone else's fault. It took time to change that thinking. The key to personal responsibility was me being humble enough to tell them when I was wrong. Sitting them down and explaining how I messed up and why I should apologize. Apologize to your children if you lose your temper or react prematurely. This humility will help your children. 4. The most important….BE THERE Seems simple enough yet it is an epidemic in this country. Our children need their fathers. They are less likely to graduate and more likely to be imprisoned when dad is not involved. Be involved. You can live in the same house and not be there. Make them a priority. Invest in them like you would your retirement or company. There will come a day when they get to choose you and if you are not there in those formative years it may be too late. Your children are not looking for the perfect father. They are looking for you. They just want you to be committed, to demonstrate love, admit when you are wrong, and most important be there. This is the hardest job you will ever have but by far the most rewarding. Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children…” A good inheritance is more than income or possessions. That wastes away. Rather it is a legacy of the person your children should aspire to be. A good father lives for generations.

“Because I said so!” That is the phrase I swore I would never use on my kids. I was going to be the parent who always explained and always took the time to instruct. Proverbs 22:6 was my motto: “Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it.” I did pretty good while my kids were younger. I would practice instructing with my requirement that their answer should always be “yes ma’am.” I would even tell them that I was teaching them responsibility or whatever the lesson was, so that when they grew up, they would have that quality developed in their lives. This was a well-established practice in our family, but something happened when they turned twelve. Twelve. The age of arguments. One at a time, as each of my children had this infamous birthday, they took their turn developing new reasons to question my well-established wisdom in their lives. Arguing with me over little things became the norm. “It’s not fair!” Or “She didn’t do enough” was the first wave of conflict. Then there was the quiet rebellion method: The twelve-year-old would tell me “Ok. I’ll get that done.” Three hours later, I would come home from work and it would be the same way I left it or even more messy. Then my favorite excuse: The partial. I would ask both kids to clean the kitchen. The twelve-year-old would clean “their half” which amounted to putting the main dish in a Tupperware and putting the bread away. Then he would put three dishes and a pot in the dish washer, turn it on, and declare it was full. The other child would have to hand wash the remaining dishes because the twelve-year-old did “their part”. As a parent, who would not be defeated, I would argue right back. I would tell them why they should have done more or what was wrong with the job they did. I would get angry and frustrated because of the poor effort and attitude I received. I would think “That was not anywhere near half the job!” Or “who said you could decide who did what?”. Surely, at the age of 12 they knew what to do? Nothing changed. The arguments got louder, and I got more frustrated. Then something unexpected happened. One day in the middle of an argument I had had enough. In my frustration, I blurted out “All I want to hear is yes ma’am!”. BOOM. Silence. At that moment, I realized that the argument about how the kitchen should be cleaned was irrelevant! They didn’t need instruction anymore in the simple things. The child knew what a clean kitchen looked like. They knew how to work as a team. This was not about fair. It was about obedience. Getting me to argue would overthrow my authority, when they knew what was right. From that moment on, when my twelve-year-old began to argue, for whatever reason, I listened quietly and kept my cool. But when I saw the scheme was turning toward excuses for not doing what I asked, I would drop the bomb: “All I want to hear is yes ma’am.” It was revolutionary. It was even fun. All excuses died at those words. At that point, the child knew what I was expecting and that I would except no less than a good job with a good attitude or there would be consequences. This year I found a t-shirt that said “Because I said so! # Mom’s life”. I would never have used this phrase when my kids were young and learning, but now that they are older, I wear the t-shirt as a badge of honor. I am standing in the face of arguments saying “You know what to do! Now do it.” Parenting is about raising our kids to turn into responsible, healthy, well-adjusted adults. They can’t be that kind of person if they never learn to work hard, work together and be unselfish. We have to realize that lessons that last a lifetime begin in our households with simple things, simple attitude adjustments and simple tasks. Take the place of authority with your kids seriously. Sometimes we don’t even realize the places where we have let our authority slip or made it too easy for our kids. Every butterfly has to struggle out of the cocoon to develop the strength to fly. Endure the struggle of holding a standard. Embrace the joy in knowing the character being developed will empower your child’s future. Look beyond the arguments, the aggravation of disobedience and see your child change for the better. “All I want to hear is yes ma’am.”

Ms. Ashley- “Practice makes perfect!” “A huge piece of advice for any parent with a child approaching school age would be to really invest time in practicing tasks such as holding a pencil or crayon correctly, recognizing their name when it is written, letter and letter sound recognition, and coloring. Working on these skills will help ensure overall success for your child early in the classroom. This success will lead to success through out their years of schooling. Laying a solid foundation in the beginning makes all the difference.” 😊 Ms. Amanda- “Tips for less meltdowns” “My tip would be about their school year bedtimes. As we get closer to the new school year, start putting them to bed earlier until you get them back to the bedtime they need to be at. The younger the child the more sleep they need. Having a set bedtime every night helps the next day with the child’s alertness and mood.” Ms. Sharon- “Tips for teaching responsibility and independence” “1. Give your child a chore or two or three. Don’t be shy about asking your child to help. With the laundry, have him pick out his clothes and put them away. Chores help build your child’s self-esteem. 2. Let your child solve problems on their own. If you see your child trying to put a puzzle together, don’t finish it for them. Give them time and space to figure out how to put something together. This develops the skills that we find in math. 3. Pull back on the Mommy help for one full day. Insist that your child do little things on their own. These could be simple things around your home. Remember it does not have to be perfect. Children who learn to be independent grow to be confident children. “

You’ve probably heard they old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.“ That’s not entirely true. Words are powerful! In today’s rocket-speed society, words are often misunderstood, especially when they are texted. They can literally create, shape and destroy. We use words and body language to communicate constantly. Aesop coined the phrase, “familiarity breeds contempt”. In other words (no pun intended) we use words so often and with such disregard, that we say things that are damaging, without even realizing it. We can cause lifelong struggles in the lives of those we love, simply by saying hurtful things that penetrate the heart. No, we don’t intend to hurt but words can literally shape the way we think and how we live. Ultimately, the ill effects of our words are passed on to the ones closest and dearest to us. Realizing the power of words, is the first step to being more intentional with our language. Let me add that there are times when heavier words, even harsh-sounding words are needed. How so? Let’s say your child is running toward a busy highway. You wouldn’t say, “now Johnny (long pause) you might not want to go close to the road. You know it’s dangerous and you might get hurt.” Absolutely not! You would say something like, “JOHNNY, STOP! DON’T MOVE!” or something to that effect. The circumstance and urgency dictated the tone of voice. Your words were intentionally designed to create a barrier. What I am saying, is that you see words as building blocks to create, construct and contour. We’re prone to saying things we regret every day. Each of us have a history to contend with. How we were raised as children and our past relationships effect our communication. How we see the world through our failures, our successes and our current environment all play a role in how we speak to those around us. The closer those relationships are, the more likely we are to take them for granted and say things that really aren’t constructive. These attitudes and words can become multi-generational and you will pass them to your children and so on and so on. So how can this be stopped, you might ask? Reprogramming our thoughts in this area is difficult. Studies show it takes about 90 days to start a new pattern of thinking. Most of us are so busy, we rely upon habits to free up our minds to concentrate on more complex tasks. Changing our words takes intentionality and perseverance. If you take this challenge, I believe you can begin to re-shape the words you choose to say to others. I have two ways that you can begin to change your words in the immediate. First, take your time in responding. You may need to step away from the situation for a minute or two. Calm down and think before you speak. There are many times you don’t need to say the first thing that comes to your mind. Planting kindness in your words will produce a greater crop of consideration in return. Secondly, there are four words that can revolutionize a family, a group and a society. Will You Forgive Me? We have a family rule: When you have said something that you regret, you aren’t allowed to say: “I’m sorry”, “my bad”, “just kidding” oops or the myriad of other ways that we try to make amends. They are words that short circuit true forgiveness. These four words, “will you forgive me?”, are powerful and gain a lot in a relationship. It seems like such a small thing but mark my words, it’s powerful and life-changing. We also have another family rule. If someone asks you to forgive them, the proper response is, “I forgive you”. Not, “it’s alright”, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it”, etc. I encourage you to start using those four powerful words with your kids, your spouse or anyone you have a relationship with and watch it begin to heal, encourage and build an honest and respectful bond. Today, commit to building, shaping and strengthening others using your words. It will change your whole life and the lives of the ones you love.